Confession time: I absolutely love weddings. And not just for the open bar.
(Sidenote: I once attended an alcohol-free reception and vowed never again–there is just no way to comfortably navigate that kind of social minefield without a buzz.)
There are no less than six wedding blogs that I read daily, obsessively bookmarking my favorite posts. I’m not entirely sure where this compulsion came from–I have never been engaged, and it doesn’t look like I will be anytime soon (AHEM AHEM). Despite this fact, I am giddy for all things marriage, most especially weddings that feature bunting, cute couples, papel picado, and DIY details. Unfortunately, none of my favorite weddings share a cohesive theme or design, so I have a feeling my Big Day is going to be some bizarre Franken-wedding full of mismatched details. Also, I’m serving Mexican food, so I really hope that Los Tres Amigos on Lebanon Road caters.
Though my devout following of the internet wedding community has shown me lots of wonderful ideas for my own (non-existant) nuptials, there are a few things that I wish would just disappear from the collective wedding-planning-conscious.
I am continually aggravated by engagement and wedding shoots that feature balloons–I guess they are supposed to be whimsical? Youthful? I don’t care? I am pretty turned off by using props in general (especially the close-up shots of the couple holding junk–I get it! You’re young and fertile! Fuck you!) but I think balloons in particular are passé. FIND A NEW GIMMICK PLEASE KTHX.
2. Candy Bars
Please don’t think you are exciting my inner child with a candy buffet. There is a reason why wedding cake has endured as the most common wedding dessert (it’s fucking awesome). I like cake, and I want to eat cake at your reception, not spend the night picking hard candy out of my teeth (I can’t just not crunch on it). If you’re using the buffet as wedding favors for your guests, I would rather having something practical–give my a coozie, or a candle, not a cavity.
Tangentially related to this complaint are the awful little stickers and signs that often accompany the buffets. This also ties into Complaint #3.
3. Wedding Puns
AW SHIT, THAT’S SO ORIGINAL AND FUNNY AND COMPLETELY AWESOME I BET NO ONE ELSE EVER HAS USED THAT.
4. Typewriter Guestbooks
Most people can’t type properly on a computer (see: your Facebook feed), so why would you expect them to type well on a 30+ year old machine? There is no backspace, no one is going to space things evenly–it’s a guaranteed mess. Also, I wouldn’t want to risk my guestbook saying, “OMG IM SO HAPPY 4 U GUYS. LUV U!!” How’s that for posterity?
5. Tissue Paper Pom Poms
Thanks for this one, Martha Stewart. With your tutorial, everyone has taken it upon themselves to make as many awful iterations of this craft as they possibly can. I have never seen these executed well–they are never as full and pretty as they look in pictures–and I can say that because I tried to make them to decorate my dorm room 3 years ago.
Also related would be my utter hatred of paper lanterns. WOOF.
Tl;dr–quit spending your money on lame stuff and put that cash towards the bar. YOUR GUESTS WILL APPRECIATE IT.